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Well the Fine Mess That I’m In

  • Mar. 17th, 2009 at 11:48 AM


Hello my Friends and Family that read this,

            So yeah I got laid off from work. Thankfully I have a few dollars off to the side to keep my cell on….. I have been really out of touch with everyone lately. I’m sorry, I understand at times I’m being a complete bitch, just I’ve been thinking. Every time I see a couple together I want to scream. I want that, have some one to hold on to and hug. *sigh*At this point I fear that I’ll have to stay alone…that my life is to be that of a person that is only here for the enjoyment of others. That I’m to smile and nod in all the right places, hear their problems. Be the shoulder that people are to cry on. But ones I have my problems, I have no one to talk to, and I’m left out into the cold… The real reason that I had people with me when Jacob did what he did to me was because, I was really different after that, I was quite and closed off sometimes a complete bitch, or just cold to everyone. I have my reasons that I’m like that. I’m scared of loving anyone the why that I loved him. After Jacob I opened up to another for a moment, but as all things are in my life I was let down and just got a sorry for the broken heart that was laying bleeding on the on the ground… If your reading this and think that I’m being emo or dramatic….FUCK YOU!!! Okay I could care two shits less if you think that. If your one of the ones that broke me, and you don’t see how it happened. That it seemed that I made a seamless transformation to single. You are wrong; I just know how to hide it all from the eyes that pry. I can’t walk around the house moping….that is not allowed. I have to smile and play the part of a happy girl…were inside I want to scream at the top of my lungs to let me go. I want to go somewhere I’m becoming restless again. Sadly I don’t know what to do about it. Last time I was like this I had some type of escape (to my friend Jess’s house) now I don’t have that. I don’t have a job now; no friends that come up to me asking if I want to go some were other then their house. I just have a feeling that I’m made to stay alone. See the thing is I don’t know what I did to earn this bad Karma? I’ve been nice, I’ve helped when I could, been there for people that hate me and talk about me. I didn’t do it of the karma…I did it to help some one that needed it. I believe that what I’m to do in my life is sit back watch as every one gets what I want, (the boyfriend that will be there, the job that I need, hell even the body that I want!!!) I’m to smile, laugh , cuss, and cry at all the right times. That is my lot….to be there for everyone else that’s it okay! If you think i’m wrong the whatever

 

                                                                        - Samantha

  • Mood: confused
  • Music:The Cure

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Day in the life of hell

  • Mar. 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 PM

 

Dear readers,

Love is but a dream a lie that is told to boys and girls to give them some thing to dream about that will not and wont make things okay…. Love your mom and dad but beyond that and you’re asking for pain. Even in loving your mom and dad you will and can have pain of the worst kind. As for me I know my place. I’m to watch as others become happy and I sit in my corner and dream of that love that will hold me up!! But sadly I’ll never have that and I’m to be alone like a hermit. I’ll read my cards and be there for people that don’t care and that will use me for other reason then that they can… Death is easy it’s living that is fucking hard. I’ll have to keep my hope so that others will not see what I have seen. So that they can live in the happy bubble that is denial, the very same that mommy and daddy push down your neck and make you swallow…. From an early age we are lied to.

            Told to take that shit they give you and not to look back….everything that I have wanted has left me in someway or is on the way of leaving me for good. I don’t want to roll over one night and find that I have nothing to do with my life. No one to love me other then the family that has to, sleeping alone is I sad thing…but at 19 all I have done is sleep alone. I’ve opened up to men and women but I can’t stand to be alone anymore. What do you tell yourself when the guy that you want is a state away and tells you that he could have a baby by another woman that has been his ex girlfriend. I know that things can get better but deep in my soul I feel that I’ll be doomed to be alone as other people come and tell me the happiness that is in their lives as I struggle to keep my head up and stay alone long enough to be the rock for the broken hearted friends that come to me to cry as I hold my tears. Covering it up with the sarcasm that builds in the sliver tongue in my mouth, I bite it back knowing that it won’t help to tell them my problems.  I can’t see that happiness in my future. Maybe because I feel so lost that, I can’t see right.

            I may sound really emo right now, but to the people that think that you can go fuck yourself in a hail storm for all I care…really….I’m not a burden… I’m just broken and really, really hard to fix…. To who ever is reading this on a whim…don’t leave me a massage with all that self help crap. I hear enough of it from the friends that I try to open up to. I don’t work…but if you want to agree with me then okay….if you want to talk to me more e-mail me at the yahoo selene_maeve@yahoo.com or see me on myspace www.myspace.com/mzhs_ondeck_witit

                                                            Peace out all, write again later,

                                                                        Samantha

  • Location:School
  • Mood: indifferent
  • Music:The Cure

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Well hello

  • Oct. 15th, 2008 at 8:53 AM

Well Hello,
    I'm going to use this as a site for my stories. Plez note that Some times these can be come VERY X rated at times. So if you don't like it then don't read it that's all i have to say for now. This is my first story for now......
 
 
                    Eden
    I spend my days at a night club named Eden. Oh how my stepmother hates it! I have done nothing but laugh at her as she yells. I tell you my name is Eve and like the first with that name I love apples. But I’m not as obedient as my namesake, they would have been better to call me Lilith. I’m a rebel and in my mind my father (who calls himself “God”) we are equal. My stepmother is just one of the sheep. As you could say, well that’s what I called her. “Oh sheep, what am I to cook?” I was calling to her as I walked into the house after school. “Eve stop it okay, were going out to eat.” I smiled at her that means I’m going to have to walk on them when they aren’t looking. I nod to her “I’ll be up stairs then, if you need me.” she grabbed my arm “I don’t want you to run off before we go okay?” I smile my smile of innocence, she knows by now that I’m lying. “And I noticed a bottle of whisky’s gone any ideas to were it’s gone?”
“I have no idea, stepmother.” she flinched form me. I walked into my room I was a thrift store rat. That’s were I got my dark clothes. I looked into the mirror so there was my face that loomed back at me. My brown roots, grew out showing how bad my black dye job was on my hair. He should have called me Lilith I took out the bottle of whisky. It was never my favorite, but till I could get out to what I really needed, it would do. I’ll never be the obedient Eve that they want. I’m not weak like her, not perfect like he wants. I’ll be better ones I have him in my arms. I thought this with all my might as I climbed like a assassin out my window, in my torn black jeans and thigh torn black long sleeved shirt.
    “Eve my love, come join us, need a fix?” I had never did his hand made drug. I was no junkie, and was going to stay  that way. “No my love, you know that I’m not into that.” Jean-Claude smiled and nibbled at my ear. I smiled and took his drink, “you will sooner or later, you’ll see the truth after words.” That was his thing. Tonight maybe was the night for me to take the plunge. To “taste the forbidden”, as Jean-Claude says all the time. I stared at him as an new kid started to “taste the forbidden” he gave promises of the world in one slice of Forbidden  Apple. “Jean-Claude, I want to talk too you alone.” he nodded in a knowing way. He took my hand and led me to the owner’s office, closing the door behind him. His office was large had everything you may think to need for any of your human “desires”. I sat on the couch with him. “Now mon Cherie what is it that you wanted to talk about, try maybe?” my stomach flipped form the presser of the decision that I had before me.  “I want to try Forbidden Apple.” he smiled. “I’ll give you a slice.” that was what a hit was called a slice, if you bought it whole then it was a pie. Slice of Forbidden Apple pie. I started to laugh to myself, “what is it my love?” I nodded  no “nervous?” again I nod to him only yes this time. “No worries, my love, after this you’ll see the world a new. Truth, you’ll see true truth in all things. You’ll start life anew, with new eyes and new passions, Eve.” I smiled, I felt that I knew him from long ago. A slice of Forbidden came in the same form as acid, an dissolvable tab that you put on your tongue. I closed my eyes as he placed it on my tongue. I closed my mouth and started to feel a warmth move thru my body, my eyes stung, my body quickened. It felt like fingers moving over my body and stroking the insides of my eyelids. Forbidden Apple was everything I was told in feeling.
    “Now open your eyes Eve see the world anew.” I looked things were different, the lighting shined like fireflies, and the walls glowed with their own shine. I looked to Jean-Claude, his face was different. I touched his cheek, he nuzzled into it and took my hand. I saw a movement under his skin and stared it liked like snake skin, moving. “Oh my god what are you?” I breathed, he smiled “I’m the Light Bringer, Lucifer, and you Eve have lived up to your namesake finely, thank you.” I was lost. He was wrong something was wrong. It just had to be. The door slammed open to reveal my father. The was the same, his hair was white and, he looked younger, on his face he had a sad, and mournful look. “You failed me again Eve, you are to leave Eden and never come back, never.” Jean-Claude/ Lucifer laughed and grabbed my hand “I won again, Father. Eve I love you.” I was sacred what did this mean was I so lost that I’d never be let in again.
The next night I woke in Jean-Claude or Lucifer’s bad dressed in a white night gowned. “You know the truth, now, Eve now is the time for you to be the mother of a new mankind. Come to me” I was lost and never to be found. I laid in his arms. Knowing now there was no turning back. I fell into my lost dreams and forgotten love. All I knew now was him Evil in his
form now I was Lilith and Eve. I laid with the devil, and ate the Forbidden Apple. My soul was lost now.
   
                    Epilogue
 
Now if you pass the club that was ones was Eden you would find nothing. They say that if you go there you would find an apple tree growing and glowing. Under that tree you would see a girl with brown hair crying with her children around her. She weeps for her lost soul and lost dreams. She cries for mankind, for being able to see the truth in all things. She only smiles at the thought that she’ll always have her love and her children in her arms. That she is the birth of a new mankind, however out of place they will be.
   

    So that's my first story for ya'll hope you like and leave a comment


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